Decay

Playlist

Milky Way bu L'Arc~en~Ciel

You are nothing but a perverted old man. You have no talent and exceedingly limited ability. Stop trying to convince yourself that you are an 18 year-old. You are not. Where do you think you are? A bar? Goodness, you are no where near hot enough to participate in some lousy half-hearted strip tease. I'm not interested. At all. You think you're so funny, so mature, so knowledgeable. Like Hell you are. A narrow-minded frog in a well. What you are so proud of is merely a title. One that you're not even worthy of. I know people who are far better than you. Both in personality and ability. Furthermore, I am not a child. Just because I'm polite does not mean I'm alright with the crap you dish out. You are so predictable. Nothing special. Just the result of a flawed system. Get lost. You think you are so special. You are most definitely not. Yes, I'm being rude. you'll most probably never see this, but just in case you do, good for you. Welcome to the 21st century. Dinosaur.


In one day, I have listened to Nps Ngs five times, Le ciel three times, Returner four times. Not to mention Rebirth and Heart. Yes. I'm listening to music in the office. No harm apparently. Not with two-thirds of the staff absent. I think when the new year begins, I'll miss playing music more than anything else. In a way, my job is really simple. And the workload depends on the applicants. So if the applicants take it easy, my days at the office are like today. Blogging. Listening to music. There's nothing I can do! I believe in devotion to task, yet, when my task is to update applications... There's a limit to how devoted you can get. I'm actually creating work for myself to do. Maybe I should quit. There is hardly any fulfillment. Answering phone calls, sorting documents, updating the online status, replying to enquiries, troubleshooting... Maybe I should do something else. I can feel my brain cells dying.


Eyeliner. Lots of it. Gackt, SID, Laruku. I have the posters. All of them wear eyeliner, with some more than the other. I mean, yukihiro seems to be the type who only uses eyeliner when in the more Gothic Laruku PVs. Gackt on the other hand... Go watch his Sekirei PV. Especially as he blinks awake... I personally like his general appearance in Vanilla and Le Ciel. Hair neither too short nor too long. The fingernails in Le Ciel is suicidal though. The other band members seem to be colour coded. Like blue for Mana, he and his French princess, red for Kozi, purple for Kami, yellow for Yu~ki and... Goodness knows what is Gackt's colour. Still, he looks amazingly, broodingly handsome.

Going by my recent posts, one would think that I have converted my Laruku shrine into a Gackt shrine. Nope. Its still all up there. Staring at me as I do my push-ups, plank and other static exercises in my room. A great motivator. There's this consistent stress that comes from knowing that you're not as fit as them. Okay. I'm using euphemisms. I'll be honest. There is A LOT of pressure that comes from waking up next to their inhumane godliness. I mean, I don't feel a need to lose 10kg and strive towards model thinness, but seriously, losing about 5kg would be real sweet. Yeah. Its that kind of unhealthy feeling. I know! I'm being weird. Still, I realise that my metabolic rate has slowed... And I'm seriously unfit. So its a good thing that I now have a goal. Although it is rather ambiguous. My aim is to be fit, and healthy enough that I don't feel self-conscious in my own room. Good luck to me.

" A fallen fruit... Hastening the process of decay..."

Diverge

Playlist



Bel-Air by Malice Mizer



Goodness. The office is virtually freezing today. I took a look at the thermostat. It was 21.5 degree Celsius. In tropical Singapore. No wonder. I generally like the cold, but in this place where the air is stale... And the carpet smells like... Well, carpet. Believe me, its quite awful. Claustrophobic? Not so much as a morgue. Yeah. I'm thinking too much. I'm speculating. I'm being nonsensical. Guess its because of the music. Been listening to Malice Mizer for way too long. After all, when you have N.p.s. N.g.s. set as your message tone and at repeat... You go lulu after a while. I have no idea what the acronyms mean. I don't want to guess either. You can go listen to it and imagine what the whole bunch of them are trying to convey. I'll just self-hypnotise. In other words, I'm going to ignore it all.





I feel so terribly insulted. Or should I not? Ok, I'm not exactly HURT or anything. Its just that I feel I OUGHT to feel hurt. Whatever. Anyhow, one of my colleagues just mentioned that I have a supremely mugger look. He, yes, a he. Age 35. Single. Likes Indian food. Those who know me will know the rest of the details. What he said was that my spectacles and hair puts me in a 'MUGGER' category. Furthermore, I'm not tan enough. Now I know why the whole bunch of SRF people think I look very different when I'm cosplaying and when I'm in normal clothes. Honestly, I think there's not much of a difference. After all, I've seen myself in all circumstances. In full dance gear with the one-inch make-up, Lolita make-up, be it sweet or Goth... When I have just woken up... When I'm all spotty... Still me inside. At the end of it all, I'm still... Me. No matter how unglamorous I may look. Yes, you can say I'm an arrogant prig who is full of self-love. I don't care. After all, who, on this blue earth, is going to love me the way I love myself? No one.

Going to Kovan to register for Japanese lesson later...

"Yes... Yes... Thank you... Have a nice day!"

Baby

Playlist

Le Ciel By Malice Mizer

Merry Christmas! Well, another year where we commercially celebrate the birth of Christ. Personally, I don't feel as guilty this year because I did not buy expensive gifts for myself. Nor anyone else for that matter. Cards and other handmade stuff. Tiring, but much more worth it. The sense of satisfaction from completing something is amazing.

On to frivolous things. I love Gackt's voice. I was wrong to think that Klaha was more suited and Gackt... Yeah. I was wrong. Its two totally different things. Watching videos, low quality ones at that, on Youtube is not an accurate representation of how Gackt sounds. In the CD, he sounds way better. The flamboyance of Malice is absolutely reliant on Gackt's vocals. I think Klaha's bass voice matched the funeral goth route they ventured into in the third stage. Well, Mana is a genius. I mean, the music is excellently produced with considerations for the voice type of the singer. Simply amazing for a guy who refuses to speak to the normal human public. The music of Malice Mizer is like nothing else. This is high praise coming from someone who lives in the world spawned by them. All the Visual Kei groups conbined cannot seem to produce music sufficiently haunting. The Malice Mizer genius, is very simply, their trademark.

How did I get the music? Borrowed the CDs from my PAE classmate Germaine. Its scary how the world is such a small place. Evidently, her sister is a huge Gackt fan. So she lent me a whole bunch of Gackt and Laruku CDs. Now that I've seen the originals, I'm convincede that if I ever have the good fortune to chance upon a windfall, I'll go get all the Gackt CDs available. The cover art and the song booklet and... The entire packaging is great! Its no longer just for the music, but everything. Especially how he addresses his fanclub. Its called DEARS. So yeah. A personal, intimate form of address. Boy does he know how to take advantage of his fans. Haha. Willing. Like I mentioned to Kaen, I'll gladly let him stab me with a knife. Lost cause.

I have a new phone! N6500s. The improved version of my Dad's previous phone. The nice, old, interface. Metal casing. Same weight as my previous phone. Able to take great photos. Sorts my music... Wonderful yeah? I actually wanted to get the W980. I mean, 8GB? And its Sony Ericsson. Nice music quality. The price tag was hefty, however. Something like 6 times the price of my current phone. No way am I paying that much. I'd feel guilty if my parents got it for me. This is as its not really essential to my living. I can survive with another phone, like my current baby. maybe I'll wait until its much cheaper...

"Magic or merriment... Communion with Nimrod..."

Returning

Playlist

Returner ~ Yami no Shuuen~ by Gackt

Goodness. I'm in love with Gackt again. Not that I've abandoned my half completed Laruku shrine... But watch the video above. Singing about love in the midst of battle. Its seriously impressive, although it sounds strange when I put it in writing. Oh well. It does not matter whether or not you are a Gackt fan. The sheer depth of feeling conveyed is sufficient to convince you that Gackt is a genius. And that he looks hot. In a smothering, depressed hero kind of way. Lol. From his Furinkazan stint? Oh. New single is called Jesus. I wonder if the Japanese are rediscovering Christianity. hyde's music has been increasingly religious too. Still, Returner and Mizerable are my absolute favourites. For me, I like Gackt because of his ability to convert his soft-spoken voice into really haunting vocals. His voice is not powerful, well at least from the PVs and CDs, but it sticks in your head. The music is also amazing enough for the tune to just keep replaying. The visual feast that is his PV does not hurt either :) Guess its from his VKei roots...


Enough of Gackt! I've ripped an astonishing number of hyde's photos from the net. I can't help it! hyde is just so absolutely photogenic! In a way, he's a bit like a vampire... You know, the never aging part? He totally does not look like he's 40 next year! Haha. Well, he's exceedingly private, so the age is the result of speculating and math done by crazy fan girls like me. Lol. In a way, 40 is the minimum age. Any younger and... Well, lets just say he would not be able to would not be able to do certain things when he started out. Gackt too. Minimum is 35 next year. Another age-less vampire. I can understand why, after all, the entertainment industry is seriously hard on those without the glamour of youth. Which makes the Japanese entertainment industry kind on those who are old. Well, at least men. Like I said previously, men need maturity. I mean, there's Laruku, Gackt... a whole lot of singers in middle age... Even Mana! Goodness knows how old he is... A friend of mine commented that he looks a bit like the Thai transvestite prostitutes when he models as a female recently. I think its age influencing his face shape. I don't know. He still looks ok to me, but... I still admire him, but I think he should stop the cross-dressing modelling. He looks good as a guy. Should just stick with it. Mana fans, please don't kill me!


Ah! I found a blog that reviewed hyde's album, Faith. Here. I don't really agree with all the reviews, but its a rather accurate representation of my general review of the album. To me, Faith is something like 4 stars on the whole, with a few songs 3 stars. So the girl's reaction is a bit extreme. Still, its worth reading.


I want new stuff to listen...


"If I can see you again... If only in a dream... Please let me have eternal sleep..."

Shrine

Playlist

Drink It Down by L'arc-en~Ciel

My room looks like a Laruku shrine. I think if any of the Laruku guys stepped into my room, they are likely to run out screaming at the top of their voice. Haha. When I described my room to a friend and showed her photos of my new decor, she shook her head and looked at me pitifully. The look said 'Lost Cause'. Still, as a nice and considerate member of society, all she did was to ask me how I sleep with a minimum of 13 pairs of eyes staring at me. I think sleeping isn't the problem. I've been so exhausted recently that I fall asleep the moment my head hits the pillow. Not sure why. Anyhow, I have no problems with sleep. I mean, I actually have wind chime! Rather, its changing. It is extremely disconcerting to change with the said 13 pairs of eyes staring at you. Firstly, and most obviously, they are ALL MALE. Secondly, and also kinda obviously, I look nothing like a model. Thirdly, its LARUKU for goodness's sake! And SID. So yeah. I took down two Laruku posters and the SID poster. So now its only 5 pairs of eyes. I could not bring myself to take down the enormous hyde poster. Sacrilegious!


My brother gave me an excellent idea. He proposed that I take my favourite Laruku picture and turn it into a bedsheet set. So I'll have a Laruku pillowcase, bolster case, bed spread, blanket... Then to match my room decor, he suggested that I paint or whitewash blown up Laruku posters on my wall, get some life-size standees of the band and set up an altar with new incense burnt everyday. I honestly have no intention to convert my room into an shrine. The main reason that all the stuff costs money, which I sorely lack at this juncture. Also, I am not yet so crazy about the band that i'd go to such an extent. After all, the whole bunch of them are old enough to be my father. Just because I admire their musical genius does not mean I have to worship them. Yeech! Although hyde does look increasingly yummy as he gets older... I have said this once, and I'll say it again, men need maturity to be attractive, women need youth. Its a super unfair world...


Going to sign up for Basic theory test for driving later. I'll most probably sign up for the YMCA ballet lesson too. And Japanese at Kovan. These will obviously be at a later date. There is, after all, a limit to the number of hours in a day. Oh. I need to study for SAT too. I'm totally behind my schedule for my SAT. Goodness. I need a minimum of about 2230... Ok. I'll do it later this evening. No more procrastinating.

"Confusion rules this shifting age...And uproar fills the town... My thoughts of you are drowning in the noise... How could you know?... Why should you know me?"

Continue

Playlist

A Drop Of Colour by Hyde


I didn't have the time to type it all out yesterday. So many things happened. Mostly good, fortunately.


Started with cleaning the house, as per usual. Was reprimanded for sloppy work, as usual, and I left in a pretty bad mood. Missed the bus to Yishun, and I was pretty sullen by the time I reached. Which was the duration of my displeasure. How upset can I be, when I see the very people who have been with me, through thick and thin in dance for the past 2 years? Its just not possible. The moment we met each other, we were laughing and talking faster than any bird could chatter. I'm serious. We were exchanging connections to help others find work, swapping tips for SAT, joking about school, exchanging Christmas presents, discussing driving schools... Lots of things to catch up on. Its amazing how we can still connect despite the time spent apart.


From Yanyan, I've come to realise what a negative influence my clique was on the CCA. After we left, they implemented physical training, full day dance sessions... Stuff we never had. I guess its partially because a third of the members would have started to actively skip dance lessons, not like some of us were not already, and also because our president was lazy. Not sure which has a greater influence, but I think it was the cumulative effect that resulted in a rather minimal CCA involvement.



We had lunch... Went to Popular bookstore to get some stuff.... Walked around a bit... Yanyan bought a pair of shoes... Snapped some photos... We went to play billards... My first time, and since we were all lousy, we altered the rules to suit our very limited capability... And I left after we had attempted a few arcade games. The general atmosphere was relaxed. No real complaints from anyone, not surprising, seeing how we are all in the waiting phase. Its interesting to see the various things each of us is engaged in. Without the pervasive sense that time is running out, we all seem happer. Obviously.



I went to Kaen's house after that for SRF's birthday celebration. We played Don't Forget the Lyrics, the anime version, as well as with Wii. Believe me when I say there are people out there who can remember every single word of every anime song that was played. Bya. Crazy I tell you. Kaen too. I mean, I know she can remember all the songs that she likes... But still. Thats why I think she's kidding herself when she tells me she has poor memory and cannot remember her notes. Its no longer a matter of memory, but of willingness. Oh well.



The previous post? Kaen gave me a SID poster, a Laruku clothe banner, a hyde poster, 3 Laruku posters, and a Laruku keychain. Why will I not be so overcome with happiness that I shriek at the top of my voice and start crying? Totally acceptable behavior. Its just that I did not expect her to get me anything from Japan. She did tell me that she could not find any of the things on my shopping list, but she did not tell me she got other stuff! I think she was stunned by my rewaction. A bit extreme I admit. But you must realise, all feelings are more intense when you are suffering from post-rejection depression. The little things that make people happy seem like MAJOR incidents...

After that, I was in an excellent mood. Was quite tired when I reached her house, but all the lactic acid dissipated immediately after that. Haha. I'm not surprised. I had intended to stay over, but the thought of going to bed without a bath and brushing my teeth, coupled with the prospect of upset parents sent me home. I don't know why I bothered, because they were upset anyway. I suppose its because I did not clean up everything before high-tailing out of the house. Yeah. Whatever.

Anyhow, my room now looks like a Laruku shrine now...

"Light my Laruku fire..."

Instant

Playlist

Random music... Playing Don't Forget The Lyrics...

THANK YOU KAEN!!!!

"I'll be back..."

Body

Playlist

Mayura ~ Pisaroto~ by VIDOLL

I'm happy today. Yes, its really early in the morning for anything major to have occurred, and no, I did not wake up in this supreme mood. While I am more of a morning person, it does not equate to a mood that allows you to bounce around grinning like a frog. So why? My mother commented that my complexion is improving! Honestly, its difficult to get peple who see you everyday to comment on aspects of your physical apperance. Unless its really drastic, like from a lion's mane to rebonded hair. So for my mother to notice my complexion... It means the stuff I'm using works! Actually I don't feel that there has been such an improvement. Indeed, the blackheads are virtually all gone. The whiteheads heal pretty fast. Scaring from previous spots have lightened considerably. No, my complexion does not look as good as my display picture. That was taken on a day when all the stars aligned and sang a Christmas carol. So yeah. Unlikely to happen again relying solely on my natural bodily processes. Sigh.

I've realised that my Dad is right. That biology plays a major role. Genetics, to be more specific. I'll never be able to undergo LASIK, even though I might be able to get perks due to Dad's connections. Why? I have dry eyes. Rather, I have a dry eye. My right. My left eye is normal, if a little teary to begin with. My right... The afternoon in the office is sufficient to cause it to hurt. There is no redness, but you know there's something not quite right. After all, it is your eye. I used to be pretty upset about being short-sighted. Every year, when I found out that my extent of myopia increased, I would cry myself to sleep. As I used to share a room with my brother, I would wait for him to sleep, before sobbing away. Pathetic right? When I first found out about LASIK, I was so happy. The very thought of living without spectacles put me in a good mood for months! Yes, I have to wait until I'm older, preferably after age 21, but the thought of never needing spectacles again...There's this part of me thats still really hopeful. Wishing that technology will improve sufficiently to make my dream come true...

I want to grow taller. I know its out of reach, but my ideal height is actually 1.7m. Don't ask me why. Currently, I stand at around 1.67m. Just 3 cm shy, but its like the difference between the ground and the sky. Mere numbers, like your weight and measurements, but they mean the world to someonewho has just lost her bearings. Long story for another post. My current weight is 53kg. Ideal is 50kg, although I think I'd gladly settle for 51kg. Rather than lose weight, I'd actually like slimmer thighs. I absolutely cannot wear skinny pants. In fact, I look fat in most pants. Its the bone structure. My thigh bone is the same size as a guy's. In fact, larger. I compared it with my Dad and my uncle... Discretely against othe guys I've seen. The same size, or bigger. Awful yeah? Its a pain looking for pants, and you look fat in photos... What am I to do? There's only so much skirts can hide.

Is this sudden self-conciousness the emergence of something more worrying? I wonder why I have begun to doubt and nitpick at things that used to be perfectly fine. Dissatisfaction? With what? What am I actually looking for? And do I really want to know the answer? Is my growing conncern with my physical appearance a symtom of something more...

" I can't psychoanalyse myself. Fortunately."

EOY

Playlist

life by SID

They are back! Both Kaen and Vivi! Missed them so much! You only realise what a person means to you when you cannot contact them. I'm not saying that all the other people I know do not matter. Its just that its more obvious when there's silence. Like hurling a message in a bottle into the ocean. This does not apply to Duck. Regardless of whether she's around or not, she just keeps forgetting to reply my sms and calls. So yeah. I feel really lucky when I get a message. Pathetic eh?

EOY was another, similarly pathetic event. Air-conditioning was hardly working. Place was virtually empty. Loads of Cardcaptor. Ten? The theme was retro, but still... Most of the better cosplayers were absent. Heard that there was a major wig problem on SGCafe. Apparently, a reputable supplier ,essed things up. Made the person starting the thread and those who were in the batch furious. I would be too. All the effort all down the drain because the supplier could not deliver. Oh well. Hope such stuff does not repeat itself. Unlikely. Rather, I think I shall hope that such a thing does not occur to me.

EOY was so boring that I really have nothing much to say. So I shall not discuss it. Waste of time and effort. Hmm. But about Ayu... Sigh. I pity her. I know, its rude, but thats the most a semi-emotionless person like me can do. I want to help her, because I want it all to be an extension of my self. Selfish right? Stil... I wish I could feel the same way she feels. Not quite possible. If I was not so plain, I think I might go into the entertainment industry. I have no problems playing the various societal roles even in life, so acting is no problem. Puppet. No wonder I am so fascinated with modernism. Reflects the inner state of mind. After all, Oscar Wilde did say that the audience sees his inner self in art. Not what the artist may be trying to express, but the self. So as prideful and hedonistic human beings... We see ourself in whatever we think is beautiful. Deep. As Australia. Inside joke!

Enough.

I love VIDOLL!!!!

"It must be genetic!"

Pricey

Playlist

Sweet? by SID

Oh my goodness. A university education is so expensive! I mean, for Wisconsin-Madison, the school and tuition fees alone reach US$30,000! Minimum! That is about $45,000 a year, and in four years... Its $180,000! So expensive, and we have yet to include living expenses... Why am I being such a financial burden to my parents? If I was smart or resourceful enough, I could have qualified for some scholarship. Even a partial scholarship would do. I know I'm not considered poor enough to apply for financial aid and bursaries, so the only way is scholarships. Yet, I'm so average that the possibility of me attaining one is as high as my ability to get financial aid. Not good at all.

I feel so helpless sometimes. Ok. MAke that most of the time, especially recently. There's this pervading sense of being mediacore. I've never felt it quite so intensely as now. Awful, depressing, painful... Its all the time. Everywhere. You're not smart enough. Not rich enough. Or poor enough. Not pretty enough. Not slim enough. Not tall enough. Not talented enough. Essentially, you fall short of expectations. Parental expectations. Societal expectations. And the worst of it all, your own expectations. Failing to achieve external expectations is nowhere near as hurtful as the sense of utter despair that comes from failing yourself. This might be a foreign concept to some, but I think there are many out there who emphathise. Is it the education system? The society we live in? Values? I have no idea. Someone greater than me might be able to propose something.

I was not always like this. There was a time, not too long ago, this sounds like some Naational Day propogandistic song, where I lived my life according to my own pace. Not by the rules of others, nor by the larger society. Everything was my way, my pace. I know thissounds awfully selfish, but it was not the way it sounds. I did not hurt people on purpose. I just went about my own way. I mean, too bad if you got hurt, but it was not the intention. The purpose was to do it all my way. Think the Russian harlequin in Heart of Darkness by Conrad. I wanted nothing but space to exist. Now... I'm fighting the tide to get to where I ought to be. Not where I want to be. I'mokay with moving with the flow of destiny, because I know I'm nothing next to Fate. You cant win against something that you cannot even begin to comprehend. And I do not like t fight losing battles. No one does.

Argh. Why do I always get increasingly philosophical? Not like I truly am...

"Its all inconsequential..."

Purgatory

Playlist



Silence... Blogging in the office... Shush...



Its a lie! A freaking lie, I tell you. The person who said that being involved in an activity dispels boredom is LYING. Currently, I'm working full time in NUS, helping out at a gift shop in Raffles City, as well as studying for my SATs... Yet, I'm so bored, I'm likely to do whatever stupidly ridiculous thing anyone dares me to do. I'm serious. I can imagine my brain cells dying one by one, moaning in agony as they perish from my brain. There's hardly any simulation. Yes, I'm lucky to be employed. Yes, I'm lucky to have adecent hope ofgoing to university. Yes, I'm lucky to have use of all my limbs, can breathe without assistance, able to speak and yes, normal. Still, what is the point if you're bored?



Most would feel that I'm exhibiting the stereotypical Singaporean quality of complaining when I've got it all made. I disagree. Its not complaining. Its lamenting the sad state of human existence where we are expected to be contented with scraps from the table. Indeed, I am materially better off than many people in the world. Yet, how can we use such as absolute measure? How many of us live empty lives? Going about our tasks and daily activities without a sense of accomplishment, satisfaction, purpose and understanding? Shells! Nothing real, and we spend such a large part of our lives doing all these tasks. Pathetic. I feel sorry for myself. And I don't want to feel sorry for myself. Such a disgusting emotional state.



I sort of gave up on uploading the AFA photos. I can't help it! Its blurry to the point that its really difficult to clear it. Furthermore, I've yet to have the time to really upload the photos. Busy working and studying. I assure you, its tough to study and work. Quite tiring. when you're home, all you want to do is relax. There is virtually no energy to sit down and study. This, together with me still in the post exam relaxing mood, no way that I can get admitted into a US university at this point in time and many other things that I want to do... Sigh. Virtually a lost cause. Oh well. I'll just do my best for the paper. Shall not waste time and money.

Right now, I'm considering Wisconsin-Madison and Michigan. Effectively just looking around. NUS is sort of my fall back plan. I know, its ranked higher, but still. I feel like I have no personality, and the very banal existence I have in Singapore only serves to contribute to a growing sense of restlessness.

"What are we all waiting for?"

AFA

Playlist

Gekidou by UVERworld

To all the November babies that I know... Happpy Birthday! Its late, but I don't care!

Hejin, Winter, Kaen, Haiyun, Hyde's daughter, Yingzhen... and ME! :)

I passed the last two days in a haze. 22nd was in Malaysia with my family. Maternal grandmother's birthday. Yesterday was spent cleaning the house, as usual on Sundays, as well as at AFA. Anime Festival Asia. It was so unbearbly painmful. I'm serious. Just because I look happy does not mean I'm happy.

First and foremost, I spent three-quarters of the time waiting for my beloved Kaen to show. If it was anyone else on any other day, I'd die rather than wait. Well, it wasn't exactly under her control in the first place, so I don't blame her. The problem was with AFA itself. One word. Boring. The exhibits were plain boring. Nice art and all, but there were so few. Hardly entertaining. As for the cosplay competition... The standard was not particularly high. No idea who won. Was not paying attention. I'm not even interested to begin with! For the bright stars, they were far and few between. The better merchandise shops were packed. The advertising boards were lighted in such a way that its near impossible to snap a decent picture. My camera was malfunctioning. The entrance ticket was a waste of money.

Vivi, Choonie and Hualin were around. Saw lots of people that I know, such as Liyana, Geraldine, Hilda and other random schoolmates. Most did not recognise me, and if they did, were astounded by my shiroi Lolita get-up. Not surprising, seeing how I'm a person of really varied interets. Haha. Vivi looked really cute. Will upload her picture soon. SD and Yukiya were Kurei and Tokiya respectively. Melo was the cutest Kanda I have ever seen. Karei was ADORABLE! Winter put on some make up... And she looked really pretty! No need to cosplay. She's amazing enough as it is. Kai was in his signature suit, and it was all status quo.

I need work! No job offers so far... And anyone knows how to sign up for driving lessons? The website is absolutely user unfriendly. I'm serious. A total PAIN. I need to be able to drive if I go US... There is hardly public transport in case anyone wonders, and I'm not going to hitchhike around. No way...

"Dakedo kimi wa darekani koishiteru no ka?"

Shaky

Playlist

Enrai ~ Tooku ni Aru Agari by High And Mighty Colour


I'm a fool. The greatest fool of all time. Why? I did not realise my flaws. I did not realise the things, the institutuions that I believed in were shaky. I did not realise that my belief was in something that was completely undependable. I am a fool. Finding out that you're an idiot hurts. The circumstances that trigger the realisation hurts. Coupled with the pain of knowing you're an idiot, it certainly is a heady combination. It sears through your entire self. Burns away your connections with that which provide security. Rips you to pieces, starting with everything that you believed in. Your world is shattered. Have fun picking up the pieces.

I think that family is the most important to me as of today. You can't rely on others. Not even your friends. Blood is certainly a powerful coagulent. Just like what I learnt in Biololgy in school.

No one remembered. As in, on their own, they did not remember. The first to voice it out is my mum. Then my aunt. Followed by my dad. I'm talking about those who said it out loud. I know my paternal grandma knows too. She remembers everything. Everything. Lets not talk about Kaen, who can't forget. Duh. Quite hard for me to forget her as well. The links are already there. Not a matter of choice. We're 'sister-in-laws'. I'm talking about everyone else. My brother. My cousins. Various aunts and uncles. Even those I feel are my friends. All unreliable. ALL. Why do I bother?

What do I expect from others? Should I not expect anything? I am human. I want to be loved. Am I too dememanding? Is this too much to ask? Am I just depressed by my inability to get a job? I've applied at some ten over locations, some in person, all to no avail. I totally know how those who are retrenched feel. Heaviness. The despair. The sesnse of isolation. Alienated from those who work. Helplessness when waiting for the call. That does not seem to come at all. Tired from the multiple interviews. From travelling the whole country. Your shortcomings all rubbed into your face. Self-disgust. Weariness. You wonder, is it all worth it? The absolute worst is seeing those who don't need the work getting it. And to make it even more unbearable, they wonder why you can't succeed and give useless advice. Make stupid comments. Say things like, " Maybe you should try harder?". Or better yet, "Don't worry, it will be ok." Go drown yourself in some ocean. Please. How about saying something that will address the root cause?

Somebody put an end to my suffering...

"To wait and to wait and to wait... In vain... For the moment that would never come..."

Release

Playlist

Sakahiro Takarai's Be All Right

Its official! As of 11am this morning, I never have to put on a school uniform again! Last paper. Literature in English. Paper 3.

It was not as difficult as I thought it would be. The Unseen was a poem and a play extract. Both were comprehensive. I chose the poem in the end as I know how to analyse a poem more than a play. All thanks to the beloved Mr Whitby. As for compare and contrast, I compared Owen and Murder. Issue was the presentation of uncertainty and doubt. Did the essay on recount by older Marlow. Most felt it was a weird question. So I don't know. I might fail. I felt it was pretty alright. Which is either a good thing or a bad thing. More likely to be the latter. Means that I am absolutely dead. Oh well. Leave and let live.

Went to town. There was this sense of emptiness. Not because of the company, Viv was like the highlight, but rather, I think it stems from the realisation that there is nothing left. Just waiting. On the surface, you rejoice, but deep down inside, you start wondering what you are going to do. I'm looking for work, but hardly anyone seems to be hiring. Is it the economy? I sincerely doubt so. I guess its just that people don't want to hire kids. And that due to the JC curriculum starting in February next year, the market is saturated with people looking for work. Sheesh.

I want to do dance. Will most probably join the IP kids. I want to shoot. Will most probably join Kaen in her archery. I want to learn Spanish. Will most probably attempt it with Viv. My parents want me to learn to drive. I have no idea if I am mentally prepared enough to do it! Haha. So many things, so little time. I still need to go to the tailor for my Dorothea costume. I still need to buy Code Geass Monica's costume. I need to wrap up the various details of JJR. I need to start thinking of the design and colour scheme of Aoi's costume. I need to assemble Lulubell's clothes! Whoever said that cosplay was for little children, whoever said that its a frivolous and meaningless and easy activity has never done it. Its hard work. Well, unless you have all the money in the world to splurge and spend. Unless you have a palace of servants to clean up and source stuff for you. Like I said, unless you path is paved with money... Even if it was paved with money, its not easy. And the costume is only HALF the battle...

I shall not scare the poor kids out there who might be interested in cosplaying. Yet, it is true. behing the glamour, the momentarily 'cool' factor, is hard work. Lack of sleep. Headaches. Craft sessions. Sewing sessions. Travelling around the island. Being made fun of by others. Social stigmas. Stereotypes. Empty piggybank...

I love it. Always have. Always will.

"You need devotion. You neeed passion. Without these, you are nothing."

Dedication

Playlist

Kakusei ~Dark and Light~ by Suwabe Junichi and Daisuke Ono

This is for my dear Kaen, who never fails to make me want to throttle her.

I'm writing it! I am! I'm on page 1! So wait! I'll give it to you on your birthday! Sheesh!

Barbie dolls ARE GAY.

I'm glad they didn't call. And WHY DO YOU WANT THEM TO CALL? Sheesh!

You owe me Suki Sa! How can you forget JUNJUN?!?!

1. Where would you go if someone sponsors you an air ticket?

Likely to be Japan. But I'll wonder who would be so nice... I mean, other than my family...

2. What's your favourite thing to do?

Eat. Sleep. And be merry. Cosplay. Listen to music.

3. Do you think money can buy happiness?

Yes.

4. If you were given a chance to receive something, what would it be?

Anything? Kurei. Duh!

5. Things that you cant live without:

Bed. Food. Water. Music. Books. Oxygen and carbon dioxide. Family. Friends. Seiyuus.

6. What are you afraid to lose?

Myself. Duh.

7. If you won US$1million, what would you do?

Won where??? Invest. Give to my parents. Pay for university. Buy a house in Emerald Hill. Don't think its enough though...

8. What do you dream of doing in the future?

Writing. Enjoying life. Sleeping. Dreaming some more...

9. List down 3 good things about the person who gave you this survey:

Err. Fun? Interesting? Errr...

10. What makes you happy?

Good food. Sufficient sleep. Money. Writing. Listening to music. Cosplay. Kurei. Yeah.

11. What kind of person do you hate the most?

Idiots. Stupid people. irritating people. Those who dont try. Backstabbers.

12. If you have a super power what would that be?

The ability to kill people with a glare. Or turn them into stone. That would be useful.

13. Would you go for happiness or money?

I want both!

14. Who do you think is the most important people in your life?

There is grammatical error in the bloody question. What 'is' and 'people'? Ok. Will just type. In no particular order... Kurei. My dad. Kaen. Duck. Hualin. Vivi. Hf. Err. My grandparents...

15. If you had a girlfriend/boyfriend, would you die for him/her?

No. Not even for Kurei. I'm serious.

16. Who's the last person who hugged you?

Err. My dad. I think. I usually initiate the hug... I'm proactive.

17. What is the one thing you want to do badly right now?

Get rid of my brother...

18. Who are you close to?

Huh? As in, relationship? Or distance? Distance is my brother...

19. Are you courageous enough to tell the person that you like him?

Yes.

20. If you could do one thing all over again what would it be?

Join gymnastics. Start dancing earlier. Cant choose.

21. 8 things that scare you

Not dying. Crazy people. My parents throwing away my manga horde. Losing my friends. No more food. My bed collapses with me on it. Putting on weight. Pests.

22. 8 things that you like/love the most

Dance. Music. Kurei. My bed. Food. Water. TV. Paper.

23. 8 important things in my room:

Bed. Cupboard. Fan. Handphone charger. Manga. Diary. Pillows. Windchime.

24. 8 ppl to do this questionnaire

Please dont do this!

Hmm. My answers are all so repetitive. Maybe I'm boring. Whatever.

Wishlist

Playlist

Be All Right by Suzumura Kenichi

Yup. I decided tro change the songs to those that I'm listening to at the moment. No point in putting down what I want. Most people have a) Never heard of it. b) Not interested in sharing. c) I feel like recommending stuff instead!

Its a strange feeling. This sense that its all over. No. I'm not talking about my life... I'm talking about my 12 years of formal education! I'm not sure if others feel the same way that I do, but honestly, it is very disconcerting. I mean, there is no real place that you HAVE to be anymore. There is no association that you have membership in. There is no place where you belong. The feeling, is, unpleasant. Oh well. All things come to an end. We just have to reattach ourselves to another entity...

On a much more hedonistic note, I am going to put up a wishlist. Make that two. What I want, and what I dont mind getting... All in no particular order...

WHAT I WANT:

1) Versailles new album, Noble
2) Any number of the magazine, VAMPS
3) SID's album, Jacket C ( it has a picture of a stag beetle on it)
4) Malice Mizer's album, Mervailles
5) Cute/ Gothic stuff eg. mirror
6) Gothic parasol
7) Discounts at good tailors...
8) Cosplay related stuff that I need, like a >80cm blonde wig, white beret...
9) Someone to teach me how to make Recca no Honoo Aoi's weapon!
10) Doujinshi... pencil boards... anime/manga paraphernalia...
11) Gadgets like a new hadphone, iPod...

Now for more practical things...

1) New pencil case... I need big pencil cases!
2) Wallet. Or a purse. Or something...
3) Handphone pouch. Preferably cute. With 'fur'.
4) Files. The thin pretty ones to put my short stories and fics in...
5) FRIENDS!

Yup!

See you all around!

" We age, we die. Life is but a box of worm-seed."

Answers

Music Request

The theme sog of Spirited Away. No idea whats the title. Its the party piece...

This is me breaking the rules. I can't help it! I know I said I won't go online!

Regarding the VKei quiz...

VIVIEN!!! YOU SO DEFINITELY CHEATED! UNFAIR! YOUR COMMENTS DON'T COUNT!

Ok. Most people got it wrong. Like obviously. Its not humanly possible to get it all right. Like I said, Vivien, you so TOTALLY cheated.

Anyhow... Photos 1 to 4 are all guys. Versailles. Phantasmogoria. Sectamateria. Blood+.

Photo 5 is all girls. Danger Gang.

The last photo... only the person, right smack in the middle of the front row, red kimono is female. Rest all guys. Yeah. One of the guys look like a Dance junior of mine. No. It should be the other way round. She's younger than him. Its the one on the right, showing side profile. Blue kimono.

" Everyting will come to an end... Regardless of whether you like it or not."

Finishing

Music Request

Snow by (?)

Its the English theme song of Deathnote movie...

Farewell assembly was on Friday. Quite boring. Was reading Neil Gaiman's The Book Of Dreams while the adults were yammering away. Not much effort was put into it. I mean, the principal talked about our grades and projections that seemed more like wishful thinking, the Head of Welfare was reminding us about exam protocol for the nth time, and then they tried to convince us to go for prom with a video. Honestly, I think they recycled the video from last year. I'm not being mean or anything, but practically all the photos and clips that made up the video had our seniors in it. Think last years's Aristal at Ngee Ann Polytechnic. Stuff like that.

Oh. Still, I was pretty surprised by the presents my teachers and juniors gave us. Donuts from the Geography department. Miss Lim gave me a postcard with a super kawaii neko on it. I love Miss Ting and Miss Lim! Stephanie gave me a bookmark, hand-made with an uber pretty picture on it. Yanyan gave me a star! Touched, as I really did not expect to get anything. I love you guys!

Strangely enough, everyday seems to be exactly the same. Always with this feeling that there isn't enough time. Sigh. Even if I did have more time, I doubt it would help as I'm the sort who needs a bit of pressure to perform. Oh. Remember the really silly fortune cookie? 'May you live in interesting times'. Well, I think I sound like I'm boasting, when actually its sheer wonder and disbelief, but SP commented that my preliminary exam grades were 'respectable' and that I have 'a flare for writing' although there is 'tension' that stops me from truly expressing myself. Wow. Thank you! It gives me motivation to keep pen-pushing. And typing. I sort of need it at this point in time. She even said I could go look for her for teacher's recommendation next year if I need it... If things work out, I totally need to give her a HUGE 'thank you' card. I never thought I would say this, but she's NICE!

Ok, I really need to get back to my Physical Geography assignment, so I'll vamoose!

" No matter how mant times I see it, I still think flowers blooming are miracles."

Guess

Music Request


Fireworks!




No more moping.
No more drasgging my feet over silly adults.

Lets live life the way only us irritatingly in between teenagers can!
WooHOO!





Here's a game.



A seriously evil game for those who don't know, and super fun for those who do.
Email or leave a comment with your answers. THAT'S AN ORDER!


Come on, its to make me happy! I have been upset long enough.






The game is called - Male or Female? The V.Kei edition...
Simple.
Guess if the person is female... Or just a seriously pretty member of the male specimen.
Easy.





Difficulty increases! If you know who they are, good for you!





Photo 1 - This is so a dead give-away. I even included the name of the band. Cheat if you want to...











Photo 2 - Quite obvious.










Photo 3 - Also kinda obvious.











Photo 4 - This one seems obvious... But it isn't!









Photo 5 - Quite hard. Don't make assumptions...









Photo 6 - I couldn't figure this out in the beginning. If you get it right, you must be an uber VK fan








Had fun? I'll release the answers soon... AFTER I GET YOUR GUESSES!



HAHA.


"Number one cardinal girl rule - Never date a guy prettier than you."

Cloud

Music Request


Garnet by Malice Mizer




Thanks for all the concern. I went to a counsellor, not exactly for myself as I'm not facing any serious problem, but for my family. Hopefully, things will improve. Or not, it doesn't matter. What matters is that there is change, for as Eliot has made it, constancy is a sin. So let the wheel turn. For good or ill, let the wheel turn. We shall act, we shall suffer. It is the way things were meant to be. No. I'm not becoming religious. I'm just coming to terms with it. It seems the answer was there all along. I'll explain. Below, is Boy's Cloud by Atobe Keigo, translated for your benefit by the nice people at Ore-sama. I edited the parts which was directly translated from Japanese and didn't make an iota of sense. No idea why the title is as such when the lyrics are evidently so different.



BOY'S CLOUD


The red setting sun calls out to me

Leaning back against the quiet time
"You can't get something from nothing"
I watched the clouds as they floated by


Time will heal the wounds

A step towards tomorrow
Each footprint towards the highest glory

If I wake from this nightmare suddenly

Even if everything is real
I can plow through it all without fear
On this map to the distant future


I watch the setting sun fade into the distance
Quietly spending the time peacefully
I followed the disappearing horizon
For the clouds that floated past my reach



Time will heal the wounds
It's there somewhere
The place you were searching for, while lost and hurt


Everyone wants to be connected the reality of today
Even when we are lost, we live on
And when we find our true selves inside
We will find the answer


Time will heal the wounds
A step towards tomorrow
Each footprint towards the highest glory



If I wake from this nightmare suddenly
Even if everything feels real
I can plow through it all without fear
On this map to the distant future



Cool? Fated I say. Haha. I'll do my best. No promises. Just me and my best.






"I'll always shine on you, and always like the dazzling sun, I will defend you, from all of the darkness, this is the truth from my heart."

October

Happy Birthday!



Happy birthday to all the wonderful people born in this month!



Atobe Keigo!

Tezuka Kunimitsu!

Oshitari Yushi!

Yanagi Renji!



tetsu from Laraku!



... And very, very importantly...



The new ME!



Happy Birthday!

Nothing

Music Request

Let the rain never stop...

I think it hurts because I care. If I did not care, I would be indifferent, and the indifference means that it wouldn't hurt. Still, I care less now than compared with previously. I know this. It hurts, in a numbing way, but I know it will all be better soon. Soon, I won't feel anything anymore. I'm not sure if its good. As of now, it seems terrible, but I think I might actually enjoy the emotional vacation from the hurt. You see, I'm tired of being hurt. Tired of the feeling of betrayal. I care, which is why I feel so awful all, you can't feel the pain when you are dead. Similarly, when you are an emotional void, I think the pain goes away too. I say this to myself, over and over again. It will all be over sooninside. Once its all gone, I won't be able to judge anymore, but at least, the pain will go away. After is for another person, another time.

It spreads. Like some disease, some corruption. It starts with the limbs. Whatever happens, my body still functions. Then it spreads to the face. Whatever happens, I'll keep smiling. Next is the attitude. Whatever happens, I'll behave exactly the same way I was before I was hurt. I'm at this stage now. Terminal, I think. For I have the nagging suspicion that soon, nothing will really reach me again. A coping mechanism. Like cataracts and bunions. The outsides thicken, congeals, grows over whatever is damaged. Consumes the original to leave behind a malformed entity. A human freak. But what does it matter? Soon, I won't feel anything.

You mean a lot to me. Still do. Will, until the day I'm gone. That is why every word you say cuts me, wounds me and rips me to shreds. I lived for you. Your praise was like water, and your attention like sunlight. My existence centred around you. It was an unconscious thing. I was happy. Now... Things can never be the same again. Your smile still means a lot, but not as much as it once did. I like the attention you give me, but I can survive on far less of it. Soon, I think I'll be able to do without you. You see, instead of putting all my eggs in one basket, I spread it out over a few. Also, I realised I just could not put eggs in baskets and not expect them to break. So I boiled them. Hard-boiled eggs in baskets are not fragile. Not anymore.

Its raining now. Washing the world. Cleaning the dust. Flooding the drains, sewers and canals. All that water, all to the sea, to our pipes. Endless loop. I'm breaking out. To be melodramatic, I'm cutting out my heart and burning it. Then I am going to compress it under high pressure. Drain the moisture. What is left?... Like it matters.

"No one will die because I died. No one will cry because of me. I do not matter. My existence is just a particle in the chaotic swamp of eternity and infinity.This I know."

Snippet

Music Request

Love Addict by VAMPS

I think sleep is one of the most miraculous things of human existence. Its so amazing how rendering yourself vulnerable for eight hours can actually be beneficial to you. I mean, anything an happen when you are asleep. Something could fall on you. Someone could attack you. The list of possibilities go on. Maybe its just me thinking way too much. I woke up this morning feeling really self-conscious. It was as if something that I should have been aware of happened last night. I'm a pretty deep sleeper, but I'm very sensitive to changes in light, smell and sudden sounds. I always wake up before it rains because the lightning and the smell of the rain can't be ignored even in my sleeping state. I have no problems falling asleep again. Its just that I wake up. Pure instinct. Which Is why this morning was super strange. The feeling that I missed out something was quite disconcerting. I am not sure why I suddenly had this feeling, but it has sort of thrown me off my feet.

The final exams are nearing and yet I'm practically going about my days as if I'm in holiday mood. Slacking. Not doing any real work. hardly revising, unless I have to complete an assignment. I'm incorrigible. Sometimes, I really hate myself. I ought to fling myself off the nearest high-rise building. Hmm. I'm in one now. I wonder if eleven floors is sufficient to ensure immediate death. I so do not want to slowly bleed to death on the ground floor. I don't want to be conscious of my unglamourous state. So I'll need to die from the impact. Oh. I'm getting all morose. Haha. I know, I know, its sometimes pretty disconcerting to read my blog... Cause it functions the same way as my brain. Yes. Its true. I'm forever flitting from one idea to the other. No matter how random or strange the ideas may be...

I need to lose weight. Around 3kg would be ideal. And no. I'm not about to embark on some massive carbohydrate cutting nor rabbit-food only diet. Nor am I going to start running 5km everyday. I don't think I'm ready for a complete lifestyle change. Although I do know that I really ought to be exercising... I sort of completely stopped working out altogether. Unless you call walking around the estate to buy food is exercise... Not like its very far anyway. Ah. Alright. I feel guilty enough. I'll start running this weekend... I HATE RUNNING! Its the most awful experience. In dance, I can do the same movements for hours and I don't feel bored. I can do the foundations until my muscles cramp and I'll still continue. Yeah, I"ll complain, but I'll keep at it. Unlike running. Just the thought alone makes me want to scream. Its that bad. Imagine how I feel during Physical Education... Why can't we just do gymnastics? Or dance? Or yoga? Jump-rope? I just don't want to run like a dog chasing its own tail! Argh! The things we do to achieve conventional standards of beauty...





"Everything comes to an end...'

ME

Music Request

truth by Arashi

Ah. I just realised that the amount that I study is indirectly proportional to the number of posts that I have in a month. Going by this reasoning... I think its quite evident that I'll need a minor miracle in order to ace my A Levels. This is as major miracles are stuff like getting rid of all the excess carbon dioxide and other greenhouse emissions in the atmosphere. Haha. This is so not funny. Not hilarious. Not at all.

I guess the reason why I am not able to study properly is that the environment is not suitable. Its too hot. Lighting isn't enough. My parents keep bugging me at the wrong times. Serious. I mean, how do you expect me to be able to get any work done if you keep telling me to do household chores? Wash the grapes. Fold the clothes. Prepare dinner. Do the laundry. Pack the house... You say its a 'simple task' that 'would not take more then a few minutes'. Tell you what. You go do it. Its so simple after all. Breaking my concentration at my working peak. Wow. Thanks.

Furthermore, you claim you had a lousy environment, so you were not able to study properly in the past. Hello? You're not giving me a good environment here either? Buzz off. I don't want to be a failure. Like you. Go away. Stop bothering me. Stop lecturing me. Stop trying to make me into what you could not be. Honestly, I couldn't care less. So what if you rip each other's throats off? So what if you want to break up? I DON'T CARE. As long as you don't yell at each other in the middle of the night and disturb my sleep, fight on. As long as you don't hurt me in your fights, battle on. As long as my standard of living, and I mean both in quality and quantity, is affected, I don't give a damn about what you do. I used to care. Oh, I truly was worried. Afraid for your sakes. Wanting to make a difference. To restore things to the way they were in the past. Now, however, its clear that it doesn't mean a thing to me. So what? My life goes on. I still have to take my A level exams. I still need to go to school. I still need food, water and rest. Don't quote what you said to me? Hah. I learnt all these from you. What you see is a reflection of my environment, which you decided, which you created. Regretting it? Too bad. It is, after all, all YOUR fault.

This is me. You made me, gave me life, taught me. Everything that I am is because of you. Everything that I am now. That is all. The past is yours. The present is nearly all yours. But the future... The future is all mine.

"Eat my dust..."

Allergic

Music Request



Shine by L'Arc~en~Ciel
The Love From A Dead Orchestra by Versailles



I know saying all these will seem like I'm trying to not so subtly insult people who matter to me. Normally I really would not be doing this, but all of it is accumulating! I have limits too! I am human too! So here and now, I'm going to rant about all of it. If I insult you, I'm not sorry. If you erroneously FEEL that I am insulting you, I am sorry. I hope you understand that I'm only insulting those that are meant to be insulted, not those who are paranoid enough to misunderstand. Hmm. This in itself is twisted in its on logic.



I hereby announce that I am allergic to the following, in no particular order:



1) Augmentin: This is a drug. Antibiotic often prescribed by doctors when you have a pretty severe infection. Its from the bacteria family, with stuff like penicillin derived from similar bacteria strains. This actually indirectly means that if I ever suffer from a major infection, I'm likely to die. Cause there is no effective drug available to cure me. Sad yeah? A doctor I once went to was stunned. Asked me if I intended to get married and pregnant, cause if there are complications during labour... Yeah. Bye bye.



2) Chilli: Ah. Yeah. Shock and horror. Whatever. Enough with the culture stuff and being Singaporean stuff. I think I built up some resistance to it though. Cause I have been eating those combination type fishballs with no real rejection. Still, I don't like it. I like pepper and spices. Curry too. But not chilli. It has no real flavour. Yuck.



3) Stupidity: When I encounter really dumb people, there is this desire to clobber them over the head in hopes that they wake up. Though I doubt it'll help. More likely to make them increasingly silly. Haha. An allergy is like a violent reaction of the body with regard to foreign influences. So you can be allergic to stupid people. I think most people are anyway. Its not like I look down or hate them or anything. Just like I don't hate augmentin. Its just a measure of reaction.



4) Alcohol: Yes. Apparently, I'm slightly allergic to spirits. Not surprising. I mean, I don't really drink. Often, you are allergic to things that turn you off at first glance/whiff. And no, I'm not talking about vegetables and young children. My skin turns reddish after an alcohol swab before an injection. Yup. Its very minor, which is why I have not been sent to the hospital for sipping red wine at anniversaries. Or maybe its as I avoid it... Hmm.



5) Lovey-dovey couples *especially if I know them!*: If you want to snog and feel each other up, please do it in private. If you want to share straws, go ahead, but don't do it in such a way that it appears like you're looking down at people who are unattached. Namely me. I have absolutely nothing against PDA, no, not the gadget. I actually encourage relationships, after all, you feel happy, and I feel happy for you too. Just stop trying to tell me, exhibit to me, that you love him. My dear, we ALL know FULL well that you worship the very ground he walks upon. This does not mean that I need to worship the ground he steps on too. Serious. Go ahead, indulge. Come crying to me when you have problems. Ignore my existence when all's well in paradise. NOT. I AM NOT A SPARE TYRE. I will comfort you when you need it, but I expect you to keep the relationship with ME going when you're blissful with him too. I repeat. I AM NOT A SPARE TYRE. I know its much easier to talk about problems with Spouse, but how about talking about other aspects of your life? Hmm? You don't have a life anymore? Why, that's terrible! Sorry to all the Spouses out there, I happen to be a very high maintenance FRIEND.






" Doko ga hajimari de... Doko ga owari nante."

Mood

Music Request



Nexus 4 by L'Arc~en~Ciel
Red Carpet Day by Versailles
One Love by Arashi



Ah. I'm supposed to be studying, but I can't resist the temptation of relaxing. I guess its partially due to the fact that most of my friends from other schools are having their break now. After all, the holiday mood is pretty infectious. Or is it me? I do realise that my moods and emotions are easily influenced by others. So in school where most of the students are in the study mood, i feel pretty motivated to study. However, once I get into contact with my secondary school friends, who mostly have a semi-holiday mindset, I only wanna have fun. Well, I guess it can't be help. I'll do my best to study though. Only six and a half weeks to go!



I doubt I'll ever understand how the Japanese people do it. I love the PVs! And it doesn't hurt that most of them make good music... Other that or I just happen to like bands that are great. Haha. I love Laraku, this I think everyone knows, Gackt is super talented and cool, Versailles is way nice on the eyes, SID is amazing and Malice Mizer is just hard-core!. Yeah. My favourites. The best thing about Laraku and SID is that they have so much potential, mostly relying on the audio rather then the visual factor alone. I mean, honestly, some of Versailles songs are quite... Bad. Yeah.They have some really cool music, but some of the lyrics are terrible and Kamijou can't really speak English and his voice range is kind of limited. However, Hyde and Mao are really versatile. And they look hot too. Haha. I mean, both Laraku and SID sort of outgrew the Visual Kei stage and extended into new territory which really gives them more room for creation. Truly gifted. I really envy people with musical talent. I think I can say, in all honesty, now say that my two favourite bands are Laraku and SID. Yeah.



I think music extends beyond language and culture. Thats why I don't understand why most people are shocked that I listen to Japanese music instead of Mandarin and English songs most of the time. Its not that I don't listen to mandarin and English songs, I mean, I like Linkin Park and Jay Chou... Rather I think its because its just unusual in this society. After all, its not like I like Japanese bands. Alice Nine and Gazette sounds pretty commonplace to me. Its like their music is all the same, same kind of rhythm and similar tempo. After a while, all their songs seem to merge into one really long and draggy song. I know because i listen to the entire CD all at one shot on my iTunes. Serious. Its only when it moves on to the next artist, say Atobe, that I realise that it was a few songs. Yeah. Not a good sign. I have nothing against these two groups (sorry for using them as examples if you truly like them!), I mean, to each his or her own. Its just that I'm trying to justify why I chose SID and Laraku.



As if truly liking anything, especially art forms, ever had a true reason...






"If you burn your bridges, you'll have no choice but to go forward."

Tears

Music Request



...



My tears are useless. It doesn't solve the problem. It doesn't alleviate problem. It doesn't even affect the bloody problem! So why in the world do I even bother to cry? Is it for my father, who smiles at me and wonders aloud if he'll die in a bomb blast in Pakistan? Is it for my mother, who doesn't seem to be able to escape from her fears? Is it for my brother, who does his best to ignore everything? Or is it for me, and all of them in my family, the present, past and current selves of us all? All of it degenerated so quickly, so easily. It really makes me aware of how so very fragile we all are, how our relationships with each other are. We did try to escape, yet, none of us, I think, we prepared to come to terms with the new sides of each other. All of us change, as the paradox, change is the only constant. Yet, if we all were to change at differing rates, unable to keep up with each other... I think the end result is the uneasy, potentially silence engulfing my home now. I will persevere.



I love my dad. My earliest childhood memories centre around him. In these memories, his face is always kind, stern sometimes, angry at me occasionally, but always kind. He wiped my tears when I cried after he punished me. He told me to bite the playground bully when I was pushed off the swing. He argued with my teacher when she maligned me. He brought me to the beach to have saltwater drinking competitions. He never gave up teaching me how to swim, it was me who gave up on swimming. He sat through numerous weekends listening to me read English books when it became evident that his daughter had problems with English. He struggled through PSLE Mathematics, tyring to teach me Math without Algebra. He forced me to memorise Chinese poems. He made me do penmanship exercises. He drilled the full names of all my family members, extended or not, Chinese and English, into my head. He bought me my bicycle. He taught me to wash the car. He introduced me to the computer. My dad told me jokes, made me laugh, taught me things no one else would ever bother telling a child. My dad is my teacher of life. He gave me experiences beyond compare, he gave me chances no one else ever would, he forgave my numerous mistakes. My dad loves me, and I love him too, unwaveringly. no matter what happens, I will always love my dad. To me, my dad is the person who made me possible, physically, emotionally, psychologically, academically... Everything.



Thank you Daddy, and I'll always believe in you. Otosan, anata wa, wastashi no hero desu!






"No. Today is not Father's Day. You got a problem with it?"